… subtitled, “That isn’t Northlanders #30.” I’ve written a great deal about my love of Northlanders already, and in the interest of variety, I’m removing it from contention. Because honestly, if I told you it was the beginning of a new storyline called “Metal” and it involves an enormous disgruntled blacksmith engaging in a bloody vendetta against his village and the Christian church while high on mushrooms, wielding a big sword and rescuing a reluctant nun, you’d laugh and I’d laugh and then I’d crank up Amon Amarth’s “Versus the World” and we’d smash our mead horns over each other’s heads. And that’s what I’m doing on Saturday, so I’d better not do that today. Mead horns are expensive.

So what does that leave us? Green Arrow #2 is so-so and reads a lot like issue #1 but longer, so it’s out; X-Men Forever2 #4 (Note to Marvel: Do you see how stupid that looks in print?) is a holding pattern issue, and it proves me wrong about my Shi’ar guess from a few weeks ago, so it’s out; Abe Sapien #2 made very little impact on me — I think at long last I have determined if the book isn’t about Hellboy or Lobster Johnson, I can live happily without it, ergo, it’s out; Warlock #16 is the final issue, and it wrapped up an impending alien invasion — through the magic of a baby with Jason Blood’s hairstyle, and no, I’m not making that up — so quickly that Will Smith wouldn’t have even had time to say “Welcome to Erff,” so it’s out. I bought a buttload of comics, though, so we have much to discuss. Join me in the next paragraph.

Hey, you made it. Great. Well, let’s discuss Batman the Widening Gyre #6 of 6, and that numbering is important because the final panel of this issue made me scream out loud at a volume and pitch I hadn’t reached since I saw Hayden Christensen digitally inserted at the end of Return of the Jedi. Let me say that I really like Kevin Smith as a writer, that I like his atypical approach to Batman and that the idea of bringing back Silver St. Cloud specifically for a love interest is not one to which I am opposed. This series is essentially Batman as romance comic, and I’m so over grim and gritty Batman that I welcomed it. But — and take a deep breath because this is a honking big but — Batman would never bring anyone he hadn’t thoroughly vetted to the Batcave for the express purpose of revealing his secret identity, he’d never do the preceding with an innocent bystander whom he loved standing right next to him, he certainly wouldn’t do that with a guy named Baphomet who wears a wooden mask and speaks so freely of killing criminals, I really never wanted to ever consider the possibility that Batman is a multi-orgasm inducing lover or that he would discuss such with Alfred and, and this is crucial so I may get a bit shouty — DO NOT HAVE SEVERAL MONTHS ELAPSE BETWEEN ISSUE 5 AND 6 ONLY TO REVEAL ON THE LAST PAGE THAT YOU HAVE NO ENDING FOR THIS STORY AND IT WILL CONTINUE AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE WITH A “VOLUME 2″ BECAUSE I AM CLOSE PERSONAL FRIENDS WITH AN ANGRY, TRIPPING VIKING IN THE THROES OF A RIGHTEOUS BLOODLUST. Oh, that felt good. I peed myself a little, but it was worth it. Kevin, I love you and all you’ve done for fandom, but brother — this pained me.

Of greater interest to the cerebral comics fan (I have a pipe collection and a blazer and everything) is Thor #612, a Kieron Gillen/Doug Braithwaite production, in which Thor and Tyr go to Hell to rescue Hela and all the recently deceased Asgardians from the Disir, the proto-Valkyrie of Odin’s forbear, Bor, and if you think I’m considering starting a band and naming it “Protovalkyrie,” you’re not wrong.

It’s an actiony, hammer-smashinginy comic, and that’s cool, but I’ve already read a comic about Thor going to Hell to save a lot of people, and it was written and drawn by Walter Simonson — when something has been done previously and done better, that’s the very definition of stiff competition. That said, Gillen writes an intelligently malevolent Mephisto, and if I wasn’t intimately familiar with Simonson’s run (I slept with those comics like I was Bruce Wayne, y’all), I’d really be loving this book. Instead, I like it.

Thor the Mighty Avenger #2, however, felt a little different. Thor here is new to earth and knows he’s a god, but he’s not sure why he’s here or really what Earth is all about. It’s a fish out of water comic that’s designed to hook young and/or new readers and provide an instant tie-in to the eventual film, but there’s a certain charm to it. Chris Samnee’s skinny Thor takes some getting used to (Doug Brathwaite’s Thor is much more to my liking, by the way), but it’s an entertaining book happily free of mainstream Marvel Universe continuity. And Mr. Hyde is the villain, and I haven’t seen that guy in years — that’s good stuff.

But holy Kirby Crackle, take a look at Fantastic Four #581. Reed Richards’ dad, Nathaniel, has adult versions of Valeria and Franklin Richards with him in the distant future? Nathaniel also jumps back to Reed and Ben’s college days to get them to team up with pre-doctorate-from-evil-medical-school Victor von Doom for a time-jumping mission? Young Victor is as arrogant and demanding as ever, and Ben gets to wear some Doom-designed armor? Oh, Johnathan Hickman; this book is an absolute delight. It’s fun, it’s fast-paced, the characters behave in a recognizable and consistent fashion, there’s a growing sweep to this story that’s impossible to resist, Neil Edwards’ pencils are pretty great, and there’s a little note in the credits that reads “Stan Lee & Jack Kirby, Class of ‘61″ — if you’re not enthusiastic about such things, I worry for your soul. However, if I might gripe just a bit, take a look at my watch.

That’s my Benjamin J. Grimm watch, and when that big hand hits the “3″ it’s clobberin’ time. Mr. Hickman needs to show me some clobberin’ before then, or it’ll all end in tears — mine, I’m sure. Until then, Fantastic Four is the best thing I read this week that’s not Northlanders #30.

“Why don’t you marry Northlanders if you love it so much?”

Oh, Crazy Eyes Viking, you know Northlanders would never have me now that I admitted I slept with Thor. Northlanders and I are just gonna move in together and see where that leads us.

-Paul

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