[GENTLEMAN CLOBBERER]

Guys, guys, guys. I don’t want to jinx anything, but it looks like Ben Grimm ain’t goin’ out of the Fantastic Four Deathbag feet-first. Observe closely this promotional image for “Fear Itself,” Marvel’s next dumb “extinction level event:”

[HELLO, HANDSOME]

Do you see who’s hiding in plain sight in the middle of that pack?

Put on your tinfoil hat and join me in my impregnable bunker of deep thoughts while I unravel the two (maybe two and a half) implications of this image.

First, this means my beloved Thing (that sounds much cruder on second reading) lives through Jonathan Hickman’s “Three” story arc, right? There he is, hale and hearty amongst other living superheroes; the big lug’s gonna come out of this just fine. Unless Marvel’s planning to pull one of those “the events in this issue take place immediately before those of Fantastic Four Deathbag” deals with Fear Itself, which even I have a hard time believing Marvel is dumb enough to do. (Aren’t they? This theory may be falling apart before it even gets off the ground.)

But no, Tom Brevoort claims in an interview in this week’s Comic Shop News that Fear Itself was set up in the comics about a year and a half to two years ago, implying that this is a meticulously planned event that will fit in seamlessly with Marvel Universe continuity. So, this image was approved with the Thing in it because the Thing is still alive when the series begins in March. Someone dies in the January’s FF, ergo, Benjy’s not gonna die.

Benjy’s not gonna die.

BENJY’S NOT GONNA DIE!

[HOW CAN IT NOT BE BUTTER?]

OK, the second implication of this image is that Marvel had carefully considered who to place in this promotional image, and decided to throw the Thing in there as a red herring. Knowing that it would hit the internet a week or so before the Deathbag, the editors are doing it to get our hopes up concerning Mr. Grimm. This particular image will actually be some sort of flashback in Fear Itself to a time when Thing was still alive, perhaps a callback to the event Brevoort claims were inserted in the comics 18 to 24 months ago. It’s a total dick move, sure, so it’s less likely than the first implication, isn’t it? Marvel wouldn’t treat its readership so callously, would it?

(Considers the proliferation of X-Books, polybag fever, the recent cancellation of Thor the Mighty Avenger, the trashing and jumpstarting of the core books in the mid-90s, Cable, Civil War’s shipping delays, the current Ant-Man, the 2-year gap in Ultimate Hulk ‘n’ Wolverine, their contentious relationship with Jack Kirby in the 70s, the $24.99 price point for softcover trades featuring 8 issues of reprints, another massive and massively useless extinction-level crossover, fake deaths, death do-overs, deaths of everyone, Deadpool and this abomination:

[CAN’T UNSEE THE HORROR]

Awww, crap.

-Paul

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